Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
