quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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