why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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