literally had 100 drinks last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
