We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
