If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
