Moan for me like Helen Keller
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
