Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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