i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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