I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
