i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
