3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
