just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
