I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
