I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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