so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
