he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
