i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
