Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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