theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
