Kiss
Puke
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
