i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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