The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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