What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
