as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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