new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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