OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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