I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
