Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
