Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
