Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
