I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
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you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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