You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
