So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
