I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
