I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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