My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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