i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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