I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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