saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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