what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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