and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You should frame my arrest warrant.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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