Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
