Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize