After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
