sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
