And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
