I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Houston, we have a blender
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
