I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
