I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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