Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
