I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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