i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
