I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
