i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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