Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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