I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
